Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years. -- James Thurber
On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than $283 on the desk before the cashier. "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That route never brought community in money like this! What happened?" "Well, after three days on that cockamamy route, I figured business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in plain sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has it that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was arrested for drunk driving. The snakes left because people kept throwing up on them.
Wie kann ich wissen, was ich denke, bevor ich höre, was ich sage.
99 blocks of crud authors on the disk, 99 blocks of crud! You patch a bug, and dump it again: 100 blocks of crud on the disk! 100 blocks of crud on the disk, 100 blocks of crud! You patch a bug, and dump it again: 101 blocks of crud on the disk! ...
A widow whose singular vice Was to keep her late husband on ice Said, "It's been hard since I lost him -- I'll never defrost him! Cold comfort, but cheap at the price."
"When I was coming up, it was a dangerous world, and you knew exactly who they were. It was us versus them, and it was clear who them was. Today we are not so sure who the they are, but we know they're there." George W. Bush January 21, 2000 From a speech given at Iowa Western Community College.
Parker's Law: Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
cvs text oracle unload table xml A certain young person of Ghent, Uncertain if lady or gent, Shows his organs at large For a small handling charge To assist him in paying the rent.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. -- Groucho Marx
An eager young hacker named Gus Once buggered a VAX Unibus. The hardware went bad, But not the young lad He didn't expect all that fuss!
Alles, was Spaß macht, macht entweder dick, ist verboten oder freshlinks wird von den Grünen bekämpft. -- Grünen-Politikerin R. Künast
"I heard one time you single-handedly defeated a hoard of rampaging of somethings in the something something system." -Fry
hdtv-antennas A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.
Self Test for Paranoia: You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's your own fault.
Through a major bureaucratic error, you are made county coroner. You seriously consider the job because it gives you: 1: Lots of unclaimed wedding rings and watches. 2: Lots of gold fillings and bridges. 3: Free blood. 4: A constantly changing array of new friends who aren't at all stuffy about what happens single board computer (sbc) quick reference guide to their genitalia.
Brontosaurus Principle: Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them in relation to their environment and to their own physiology: when this occurs, they are an endangered species. -- Thomas K. Connellan
The Italian entry in the Eurovision Song Contest, "I Can't Get No Contraception", has been withdrawn after the Pope advised them to pull it out at the last minute. -- Not the Nine O'Clock News
"I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative nerve disease." -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Loosely perl cgi script debugging: solving a 500 internal server error (thesitewizard.com) confederate colors of Benetton
Character Density, n.: The number of very weird people in the office.
In any country there must be people who have to die. They are the sacrifices any nation has to make to achieve law and order. -- Idi Amin Dada
Hear about... the swinger who labelled his little black book "Future Shack"?
While not actually a sailor, I certainly enjoy getting blown ashore.
The sql server worldwide user group help center (sql server, oracle, db2, xml) linuX Files -- The Source is Out There.
"Y'know, Zap, once I thought you were a big pompous buffoon. Then I realized that inside you were just a pitiful child. But now I realize that outside that child is just a big pompous buffoon." -Leela
Mastery of UNIX, like mastery of language, offers real freedom. The price of freedom is always dear, but there's no substitute. Personally, I'd rather pay for my freedom than live in a bitmapped, pop-up-happy dungeon like NT. -- Thomas Scoville, Performance Computing
legal information The gates in my computer are AND, OR and NOT; they are not Bill.
I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I java news brief :: oci :: august issue think that people want peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of the way and let them have it. -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
I've been rich and I've been poor...and rich is better -- Pearl Bailey
It's better to be pissed articles, links - sql server, oracle, db2, xml off than pissed on.
Be cautious in your daily affairs.
weblogs by subject (aka topic) Pregnancy begins with a single sell.
Insanity is hereditary. You metalssiding get it from your kids.
"Of all states that understands local control of schools, Iowa is such a state." George W. Bush February 28, 2001 Comment made in Council Bluffs, Iowa.
I know a Polack his product > post > entry form name is Cliff, Hey-la-de-la-de-la. He sticks it in the freezer to get it stiff, Hey-la-de-la-de-lo. I know a girl, her name is Serafina, Hey-la-de-la-de-la. She'll get down on all fours for a bowl of Purina, Hey-la-de-la-de-lo. I know a girl, her name is Cuffy, Hey-la-de-la-de-la. She douches with Tide and makes her pubes fluffy, Hey la-de-la-de-lo. -- Doctor Dirty
Burn's Hog Weighing Method: (1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a sawhorse. (2) Put the hog on one end of the plank. (3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again perfectly balanced. (4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks. -- Robert Burns
Anxiety, n.: The first time you can't do it a second time. Panic, n.: The second time you can't do it the first time.
Going from DOS to Linux is like stereoagent trading a glider for an F117.
"I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions." -- Lillian Hellman
Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless. Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop. -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
"Sir", said the beggar, "can you spare fifty dollars for a cup of coffee?" "Fifty dollars for a cup of coffee, one should be sufficient!", answered the gentleman, rather shortly. "I know", replied the beggar, "but coffee always makes me horny."
A scandal involving an oyster Sent the Countess of Clews to a cloister She preferred it, in bed, To the count (so she said) 'Cause it's longer and stronger and moister.
Antique fairy tale: Little Red Riding Hood. Modern fairy tale: Oswald, acting free pascal and delphi libraries and source code (thefreecountry.com) alone, shot Kennedy.
Q: What can you use used tampons for? A: Tea bags for vampires.
When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results. -- Calvin Coolidge
Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat."
"The inside of my head was exploding with fireworks. Fortunately, my last thought turned community out the lights when it left." --- Calvin
I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, dataconv I make them up. -- Biff Barf
A young lass got married at Chester; Her mother she kissed send feedback and she blessed her. Said she, "You're in luck -- 'E's a stunning good fuck, For I've 'ad 'im meself down in Leicester."
2 is the java technology and web services oddest prime.
Sexual enlightenment is justified insofar as girls cannot learn too soon how children do not come into the world. -- Karl Kraus
to understand recursion, you have to understand recursion first
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered."
Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife, Guinevere, into her chastity belt. Then he summoned his loyal friend and subject Sir Lancelot. "Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife. The key to this chaste treasure I will entrust to only one man in the world. To you." Humbled dbinfo before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's blessing and took charge of the key. Arthur mounted his steed and rode off. Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to see Sir Lancelot riding hard to catch up with him. "What is amiss, my friend?" asked the king. "My lord," gasped Lancelot, "you have given me the wrong key!"
The good doctor had been an inspiration to the jungle natives. He had cured their sick and taught them the religious and moral values of his own England. He was loved and respected by every native in the village, but on this particular afternoon the chief was obviously troubled as he entered the doctor's hut. "You live among my people long time now," said the chief. "You tell us not right for a man and girl to be close together before marriage and we believe what you say. This morning white child born to woman in village. You only white man in jungle. What I tell my people?" The doctor smiled and led the chief to a window. "My son," he said, "I'll won't attempt to give you a full scientific explanation for the phenomenon known as an albino. But look at the flock of sheep upon that hill. Every one is snow white except one. The white baby born to the woman in your village means nothing more or less than that one black sheep in the white flock. It is simply one of nature's mysterious accidents." The black chief became embarrassed and looked at his feet. "OK, doc," he said. "You no tell -- I no tell."
Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived ociweb and TAX-DEFERRED!
Why marry a virgin? If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them then she isn't good enough for you.
Fatal Error: Found MS-Windows System -> Repartitioning bgs-soft Disk for Linux...
Little death (la petite mort): Some women do indeed pass right out, the 'little death' of free script hosting: free cgi hosting, mailing list hosting, search engine hosting, message board hosting (thefreecountry.com) French poetry. Men occasionally do the same. The experience is not unpleasant, but it can scare an inexperienced partner cold. A friend of ours had this happen with the first girl he ever slept with. On recovery she explained, "I am awfully sorry, but I always do that." By then he had called the police and an ambulance. So there is no cause for alarm, any more than over the yells, convulsions, hysterical laughter, or sobbing, or any of the other quite unexpected reactions that go along with complete orgasm in some people. By contrast others simply shut their eyes, but enjoy it no less. Sound and fury can be a flattering testimony to a partners skills, but a fallacious one, because they don't depend on the intensity of feeling, nor it upon them. -- The Joy of Sex
Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the use these listings to locate commercial products ... root of all evil.
QWERT (kwirt), n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]: 1. a unit of weight equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69 kiloliks), commonly used in structural engineering; 2. [colloq.] one thirteenth the load that a fully grown sligo can carry; 3. [anat.] a painful irritation of the dermis in the region of the anus; 4. [slang] person who excites in others the symptoms of a qwert. -- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed.
Hackers have kernel knowledge.
Bill Gates to his broker: "You idiot, I said $150 million on SNAPPLE!!!"
"You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are now extinct." - M. Somerset Maugham
Groundhog Day has been observed only once in Los Angeles because when the groundhog came out of its hole, it was killed by a java news brief::oci::march issue mudslide. -- Johnny Carson
If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting that you shall learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The college, which should be a place of delightful labor, is made odious and unhealthy, and the young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to rally their jaded spirits. I would have the studies elective. Scholarship is to be created not by compulsion, but by awakening a pure interest in knowledge. The wise instructor accomplishes this by opening to his pupils precisely the attractions the study has for himself. The marking is a system for schools, not for the college; for boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to put on a professor. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
One day, in a bar, a young man walks in with a little dwarf about one foot tall on his shoulder and orders a beer. The bartender serves the man a beer; to his astonishment, the little guy walks down the man's arm, takes a swallow of the brew and spits it in his face. After a few minutes the customer orders another beer and the exact same thing happens. Well, by this time, the bartender is getting pretty upset; he figures that the man should take care of the dwarf. So he asks the guy, "Why are you letting that guy drink all your beer and spit it in my face?" "Well, sir, when I was on a contract in Saudi Arabia I met this genie and he granted me three wishes. I asked for a million dollars, the most beautiful woman in the world, and a twelve-inch prick.
Coincidence, n.: You weren't paying the freeodbc++ project attention to the other half of what was going on.
"Dear Mr. Seldes: I cannot remember the exact wording of the statement to which you allude; but what I meant was that ... a man who calls himself a 100% American and is proud of it, is generally 150% an idiot politically. But the designations may be good business for informit war veterans. Having bled for their country in 1861 and 1918, they have bled it all they could consequently. And why not?" -- George Seldes, "The Great Quotations"
Bender: "Argh. The laws claimsprospector of science be a harsh mistress."
A young lady friend of mine just swallowed a razor blade... She performed a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, three circumcisions, and cut off the finger of a casual friend.
Our documentation manager was showing her two year old son around the office. He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we were both holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of juice. But only *__he* had a lollipop. He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?" Her reply: "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's what it means to be a programmer."
Why would people waste their time developing viruses for Microsoft products when Microsoft does such a good job itself of adding in bugs which crash your system? -- From a Slashdot.org post
Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole. -- John Valby
Left to themselves, things tend tofrodos: convert text files to/from msdos/windows/unix (freeware) to go from bad to worse.
Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to sell it.
Feminismus existiert nur, um hässliche Frauen in die Gesellschaft zu integrieren. -- Bukowski
According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath at least once a year.
I want a girl that can swallow my pride. -- Frank Zappa, "Jewish Princess"
txt table xml oracle export Q: What's more fearsome than a grizzly bear with AIDS? A: The guy he got it from.
Ronald Reagan -- America's favorite placebo
Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage. -- John Updike, "Couples"
The most pressing issue facing women today is finding a contraceptive jelly that smells like a fresh fruit salad.
The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter. But we may hope that the dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with this artificial scaffolding and restore to us the primitive and genuine doctrines of this most venerated Reformer of human errors. -- Thomas Jefferson
And it's one, two, three, What are we fighting for? Don't ask me I don't give a damn! Next stop is Vietnam! And it's five, six, seven, Open up the pearly gates. technical topics - web services Ain't no time to wonder why Whoopie! We're all going to die. -- Country Joe and the Fish
California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange. -- Fred Allen
Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you.
Committee Rules: (1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner. (2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise. (3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others. (4) When in doubt, suggest embedded linux distributions quick reference guide that a subcommittee be appointed. (5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for.
"I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C. is close to California." George W. Bush April 7, 2000 During presidential campaign stop in Los Angeles, California.
"I don't have to accept their tenants. I was trying to convince those college students to accept my tenants. And I reject any labeling me because I happened to go to the university." George W. Bush February 23, 2000 Referring to his visit to Bob Jones University.
One day President Reagan, Chairman Andropov, the Pope, and a boy scout were flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of nowhere the plane developed engine trouble and started to go down. Unfortunately, only three parachutes could be found for the four passengers! Andropov grabbed one of the parachutes and declared "Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers revolution, my life must be spared," and he jumped out of the plane. Then Reagan exclaimed "As leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the world safe hot topic: carrier grade linux for democracy," and with that he too jumped to safety. Now if you are following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The Pope looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and productive life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's hands." "That's very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but there is no need. Reagan just jumped out with my knapsack."
For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire life to date. He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days now. He has the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets when he suddenly realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch in the coat closet and neither parent [because of the flu] would have the strength to object. He has been foraging for his own food, which means his diet consists entirely of "food" substances which are advertised only on Saturday-morning cartoon shows; substances that are the color of jukebox lights and that, for legal reasons, have their names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot ("part of this complete breakfast"). -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
"Open Standards, Open Documents, and Open Source" -- Scott Bradner (Open Sources, 1999 O'Reilly and Associates)
Politicians do it to everyone.
In 1880 the French captured Detroit but search gave it back ... they couldn't get parts.
You will be held hostage by a radical group.
Save energy: dbinfo be apathetic.
Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.
So this elderly couple were sitting in their tiny cold water flat on the lower East Side when the husband said, "Doris, we're in bad shape. Inflation has eaten up our Social Security check. The next one isn't due for a week and we've got no money left for food." "Could I do anything to help?" she asked. "Yes," he said. "I hate to see you do this but it's the only way. You're going to have to go out and hustle." "Me?" she asked. "At the age of sixty-five?" "It's the only way," he said. Resigned to the situation, she went out into the warm night. She came staggering in early the next morning. "How did you do?" asked the husband. "Here," she said, "I've got four dollars and ten cents." "Four dollars and ten cents," he said . "Who gave you the ten cents?" "Everybody," she said.
I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work.
Those who make peaceful revolution ociweb impossible will make violent revolution inevitable. -- John Fitzgerald Kennedy
"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."
Jesus has just stopped the crowd from stoning Mary Magdalene to death and is berating the self-pious with the famous speech, "Let the one microsoft access 2002 training course among you who is without sin cast the first stone..." Right about then, a rock comes winging through the air and hits Jesus upside the head. He whirls around and shouts "Alright, Mom, c'mon! I'm trying to make a point, here!"
"I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up." -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
"Someday I'll write my own topical articles, news and juicy gossip (thefreecountry.com) philosophy book." -Calvin
In the days of old, When Knights were bold, And women were too cautious; Oh, those gallant days, When women were women, And men were really obnoxious.
"If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything." -- A. L.
A GOOD WAY TO THREATEN somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby." -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
Law of the Yukon: Only the lead dog gets a change of scenery.
Meetings are an addictive, highly self indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only becuase they cannot articles, links - sql server, oracle, db2, xml actually masturbate. -- Dave Barry
If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun of it. -- Thomas Carlyle
Q: Why do men marry women? A: sun microsystems You can't teach sheep to do housework.
You are magnetic in your bearing.
"Listen to what I say, not what I mean. I mean ...." -- Mayor Daley
Hall's Laws of Politics: (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending. (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want something fixed. myoracleportal (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend military spending, and conservatives social spending in their own districts).
Naeser's Law: You can make it foolproof, but you publishing can't make it damnfoolproof.
Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where the "nog" comes from. To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in season, eggs...
Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and not tried. -- G. K. Chesterton
Old robot: What are ye doing? Bender: We're whaling on the original were-car, which is you, you jerk. Old robot: Ye think me be he? Bender: Si. Old robot: Nee. I mean, no.
In light of the New Morality, Playboy Inc. is offering a new version of its magazine, for married men. Every month it has the same centerfold.
After appearance, usability and search engine visibility in web design (thesitewizard.com) I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?